Getting Old

Sorry to those of whom I mocked of being old....this is my apology to you.

Woke up about 20 minutes before noon this morning - that was never ever the case one year ago.
After turning 20, something inside my body has somehow changed. It is constantly dragging me backwards, downwards. It is as if my bones are decaying and my body is falling into hibernation...all the time!!

I sleep at least 9 hours a day, if not 15.
I have swollen goldfish eyes, if not panda eyes.
I hate exercising, and of course gained 5lbs of fat in the past week.
I fall asleep doing homework, which actually constitutes of watching movies.
I skipped probably $20,000 worth of classes this semester.

Hope y'all would understand that those are not good attributes to follow or to have.
So, lend me a prayer, for I want to re-obtain my youth and my energy without consuming espresso or Monster.

Looking back, I have lost my way so many times.

Perhaps in the past 4 month, I have fell away more than I have grown up.

I have thought of giving up and I have thought of letting go.

Yet, strangely, I have been held so tightly, so blessed, even in the deepest abyss.

Maybe it is your relentless calling, or maybe it is my desperate struggle, but it is time.

It is time to grasp your love again, to embrace your love again, and to dwell inside your love again. 

Because your love is deep and your love is wide.

12098b09234u09bos = Gibberish

So, many have told me about that this MATH170 (Ideas in mathematics) class is THE EASIEST....
AND I TOTALLY AGREE! 

Yet, as it pans out ....
A = 93%

Quizzes 15%: = So far it's 8/10
Midterm I 25% = 47/50 (YAY)
Midterm II 25% = 32/40 (-_-!!)
Final 35% = ?

To reach a 93% in the class, ? = 105%
And the sadness of the reality is: A = impossible....T.T!

Conclusion: I shall refrain from mathematics. The "idea of mathematics" to my brain speaks only gibberish.

Mememememe!

Penn tends to make every intellectual mind self-interested. 

An overheard conversation that breaks my heart:

So people marry because they are self-interested? - Yes

Is Mother Theresa self-interested? - Yes.

Is the Dalai Lama self-interested? - Yes.

Is Jesus self-interested? - Yes. 

So you knew all along... LOL

There was a dream in mid-July 
-Vibrant
-Fearful
-Tiger & Snakes
-Shame & Guilt
-Lust


There was a calling in late-July
-Out-pouring
-Love
-Tongue
-One year
-Conviction
-Holy Spirit


There was a manifestation of the dream in August - October
-Failure
-Sin
-Shame & Guilt


There was a revelation of the calling on Halloween
-"I still called you when I knew you would fail me"
-"My plan for you never changed"
-"if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently - Romans 8:25"

Falling

The feeling of drifting when you have been lifted uncomfortably high.

Slower and slower...

Falling...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uuwlkfJ2yg

All of Creation

Captivated but no longer bound by chains 

left at an empty grave 

the sinner and the sacred resolved

This is the reason behind discipline, behind fear. 

As much as we need to fear the LORD, we should also be reminded that God will ALWAYS uplift us. 

Fear and austere come from the realization that He loves us. 

Fear and discipline are not simply instruments that push us to do the work we can't motivate ourselves to do. 

They are attitudes towards living a Christ-like life. 

He doesn't need us to do ANY of his work. He is capable ALONE. 

He cares more for our hearts than our actions. 

Facedown

At this very moment, I feel compelled to bow down again.

1040 movie screening and Jaeson Ma is tonight, but somehow I feel a little...overwhelmed, good and bad - overwhelmed by excitement, overwhelmed by anxiousness.
It's suppose to rain, HARD.

But who are we to count the number of people who will come? Who are we to decide what God has planned for this night, this life? Who are we to say that our hard works are worth the reward? And who are we to say that bad weather only brings disaster?

Is God not powerful enough? Is He not conscious enough? Is He not greater than all of our imaginations combined?

I am compelled to lay my face down again, bow humbly and remind myself that it's all His work, His purpose, His will. Nothing we do will ever change or deter His plan. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Matt Redman: Facedown

Cielo - Phil Wickham

A recent song suggestion by my dear friend Christine Li, and it has "stumbled" me ever since.

Since the end of July, when God's miraculous reward showered over me, instead of running towards Him, I ran towards myself. I became proud and careless, as if his gift was enough to drive me forward for eternity.

August and September fell on me like hard rocks. For the first time I felt the weight of God's pain and anger. I thought I failed, miserably. Yet, His anger went over my head, and what showered over me was His love - the love that kept no record of wrongs.

I've never thought of myself in this way, but everyone, include myself, is a prodigal son. No one, absolutely no one, can run towards Him more than He runs towards us. He never looks back, and He will never take a wrong turn. He looks at us, all the time.

I have never been brought so low on my knees, but when I did, the only thing I saw was His beautiful beautiful eyes.

"I can't bow low enough at the vision of you, my God."

相爱，不如相知

相爱，不如相知。

与其执着痴念，不如化为祝福。

不要让你爱的人被你的爱所磨浊。

反过来，以你的爱让他得到力量，展翅高飞。

假若真的有缘，就算分隔两地，心仍会在一起。

真正爱一个人，心定以他的幸福当做是你的幸福。

若然有人能比你给予他更大的幸福，你就把他送到那里去。

-晋元 《仙剑奇侠传》

Letting go, forever

Last time saying sorry, my dear.

Last time taking in your anger, my dear.

Last time shedding my tears for you, my dear.

you said, have a good night...I said, have a good life.

How I wish to keep you in, but I am just too tired.

Defriended. Deleted.

Love Defined.

Love Protects.

He stood by her side every night, dressed all in white. He appeared by her bed as she lay there dying. He appeared in her dreams every night, embracing her, healing her, and cradling her. Unlike any other men who have abused her, who have hurt her, who have lied to her in life, he did nothing but protect that dying and broken heart.

Love Feels.

He led her to the house of prayer, to the house of the Father. In the biggest room of the house, there was a big and beautiful bed. It looked so comfortable and cozy. In fact, the room itself was so comfortable that it was named the room of intimacy. Yet, she saw the small door under the bed and asked him where that door lead to. He said, it leads to the weeping room and few will choose to follow him there. She followed because he went there. As she walked in the small room after him, she saw only one window and one chair, and she heard the weepings and cries of the whole Earth.

Love Waits.

He picked up a wallet. He saw a note. It said: To Michael Harding, I love you, Michael, but my parents will not let us be together. But do not worry, I love you and I will never give my love to anyone else. - Hannah, 1961. He found Hannah in a nursing home, smiling while he asked about Michael. Hannah said, when you find Michael, tell him that I love him still. He walked out of Hannah's room, and ran into a nurse. He showed the nurse the note and asked if she knew a Michael Harding. The nurse said, ah that Mr. Harding, he always loses his wallet. He is up on the 6th floor. 2 weeks later, he received a wedding invitation in the mail.

Abba

(Credit: Shang Chen Photography)

Perhaps we don't remember, that one second of time when he held us up. Some of us remember by that single yellow-edged photograph. Father, daddy...some of us have one, some of us have multiple, and some of us claim to have none.

Those times when we laughed, those times when we whined, even those times when we fell, he stood by. We saw the wide-shouldered grown-up man just standing by. He stood by laughing with us; he stood by aching with us; and he stood by yearning to offer help. Yet, he never seemed to be moving toward us. Some of us didn't even see a man.

Yet, the second we turned away from him, his strong arms dragged us back and lifted us up. Sometimes I wonder, how is he so fast, so strong that I have no power or even desire to struggle against him. I suppose, I have always wanted to be brought back, to be held up, and to be lifted high.

For some time, I saw independent crawling more desiring simply because I wanted a life away from the righteous, away from the one who gave life to me. Before that...I didn't even see him.

Now it is my struggle, to want your attention before I turn away and to want your strong arms before I fall. I don't want to just wait...I am too scared to wait...and I need you to know that I want your touch of grace more than anything that I can ever ask for. Hold me, daddy, hold my heart.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why
'Cause I'm on my knees begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father, will You run to me.

Home Sweet Home

Home,

How I've missed you so.

You have no idea how excited, scared, and impatient I am to see you again, or perhaps you know it all, all along.

I can't wait to snuggle in your embrace, for a year I've longed for your presence.

I can't wait to eat at your dining table, for a year I've longed for that freshly cooked meal.

I can't wait to hear your joyous cry that loudly proclaims, "I miss you so, and I love you so".

His Love

Sometimes, I feel like a bird in a cage, lacking freedom, lacking courage.

The world outside is full of light, and I recognize its beauty. Yet, a creature like me, a bird without wings, a being so dark and sinful, do I really deserve to step out and share the light with the almighty?

I am unworthy, and I deem myself unworthy, and I refuse to step out of that cage. Can I really take flight? Can I really receive your spirit? Can I truly lay my dirty hands open to you?
Why do you want someone like me? Why do you love someone like me?

And that's when you said to me, "because you are my child."

Background

Most people would associate animations these days with Dreamwork or Pixar's 3-D creations.
- sometimes, the most appealing works are simply arranged images of moving background landscapes. [Remember the icebergs in Ice Age?]

Most people would associate movies these days with the actors and actresses.
- sometimes, the most successful part of a film is its magnificent settings. [Avatar, anyone?]

Most people would associate music these days with the human voice.
- sometimes, even as we might not notice, music within dramas and movies are much more appealing, invigorating, and "edifying". [Thanks Christine, for suggesting "the Devil". Thanks Connie, for noticing its super awesome background music.]

Fried

KFC Fried Chicken (or Crowned Fried Chicken) - take your pick, absolutely mouth watering.


McDonald's Fried Potato Fries - no matter how greasy it is, absolutely delicious.


Spring Fling Fried Oreos - never tried, but heard it's absolutely worth the try.


Final Week Fried Brains - mMm, now that is something to die for.

LOVE

Saw 1040 and met Jaeson Ma tonight.

I was in doubt, even in the midst of all the crazy healing and prophecy that filled the room.

I couldn't stop trembling from a sense of lost and a sense of imprisonment, like the bird in my cage necklace.

I had no where to run...but to Him.

Jaeson prayed for me, and as he told me to lay open my hand and receive the holy spirit, I never thought I could be in so much awe, so much wonder, and so much joy.

I weeped, broken, and fell down for the first time before God, purified, freed, and LOVED.

It never hit me so hard that He loves me...He told me he loves me...God loves me.

AMEN!

Seasons Change

seasons change

And then they pass

No way to know how long they'll last

I'd love to know the reason why

But God knows

I love to know the reasons why things change, time change, seasons change...
I love to know the reasons why changes always bring uncertainty, lost, fear...

But I know that only God knows...

Entertainment Industry & God.

O'show:

Thomas Cho - Music industry producer who was led astray by his own hard work, ambition, and empty success.

...he received the healing and the grace of God in the most desperate of times.

1040:

Jaeson Ma - One of today's music industry's most influential character, is also blessed with so much charisma, grace, and the word of God.

...he who was once lost in the underground (literally), came up and saw the Morning Star.

Home

She's alive and well...10 years, I waited, and thank you Lord for bringing me that good news.

Yet, home feels so far away.

As much as I miss the coziness of my bed and the cleansing breeze of the summer morning through my open window, that is all that I can remember.

I miss my mom, my dad, my little brother, but all of whom expect so much.

I miss my home in China too, but I cannot help but hide from it.
China was too crowded, too clustered, too much smoke and grease.

Grandma was too sucked up in the agony of Grandpa's death.

Aunt...she broke her arm.

I spent the morning, whole 2 hours, trying to communicate to them that life is not just about college, life is not just about grades, and life is not just about other people's expectations (including Dad's, including Grandma's, and including my already passed-away Grandpa's)...

They didn't understand, although they claim they did.

Aunt ended by saying, "take care of yourself...but whatever we say now about your academics, you can just regarded as crap, is that what you want?"

Fail.

They no longer feel like family, they no longer feel like home...

Why does it have to be this way?....

Besides Heaven, is there really not a place where I can call "home"?

Hosanna

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours

Everything I am for your kingdoms cause

As I go from nothing to

Eternity

What does it mean to love like how He loved us?

What does it mean to break from what break His?

Are we capable? If we are...how long? how much?

Forgiveness

What is the source that keeps us moving?

some say it's the momentary push of motivation.

some say it's the people we love the most.

some say it's life itself.

I believe it's the source of all of these things; a higher being, a divine source, however you want to call it - I call Him God.

What is the source of anger?

some say it's the legitimate response to injustice and frustration.

some say it's the unethical action in every circumstances.

some say it's momentary misunderstanding.

I believe it's the combination of all of these things: an almost uncontrollable and entirely understandable feeling, but nonetheless an act of sin.

What then is the resolution we call forgiveness?

some say it's the momentary rush of sympathy.

some say it's the words long overdue or forever hidden.

some say it's...never truly achievable among us.

I believe it's a mix of all of these things: a feeling of relief and reconciliation that we can never achieve through time itself or through ourselves, for it only comes from the source, God himself.

To Live

[A film adapted from the short novel "To Live" by Hua, Yu]

I rarely admire the work of the famous/infamous Chinese director Yimou, Zhang.

Assuming that everyone has watched one if not more of his films, which include several aesthetically appeasing films with scripts written by middle schoolers. (Well, I am just disgusted at his "House of Flying Daggers" & "Curse of the Golden Flowers"....sometimes I wonder if he was on crack while filming those two movies). But today I saw his 1994 "To Live" in my Chinese class, and I was then instructed to read the literary masterpiece that gave basis to this film...well, only the Author's Foreword that took up 2 computer screens.

An excerpt from the Author's Foreword:
"There's a very tense relationship between reality and myself, more seriously, I view reality as an enemy. As time moves along, the anger inside of me has come to peace, and I started to realize that the purpose of a true writer is to seek the 'truth', the 'truth' that disregards all moral judgments....the purpose of the writer is to present 'nobility' to the people. The 'nobility' mentioned here is not simply a sense of beauty, but a sense of otherworldliness that does not distinguish between good and evil, that looks upon the world with sympathy...This story "To Live" is about the people's abilities to withstand pain, and then their joy afterwards while looking upon the world. The writing process made me realize that people live for the sole purpose of living, not for any other reasons or things. I feel like I finished a noble piece."

I find it extremely enlightening, for very much so, many of our lives are lived for the sole purpose of living, and it is noble enough to even come to that realization. However, as a Christian, living meant something more. To this day, after 6 years of walking with Christ, I still question the meaning of living for God, but I have never questioned the legitimacy of living for God - simply for the reason that I cannot live for the sole purpose of living, because the source of overcoming pain through living alone is not enough to bring about complete joy, and despite of common beliefs, time alone does not heal.

...what I learned from the first...

Never realized how much I hurt the other.

Never realized how unsuccessful I was with reading people.

Never realized how pretentious I was.

Never realized how hopeless I was.

Never realized how much I learned within 3 hours.

Never realized how much emotions I pulled within 3 hours.

Never realized how much I would need God's help.

Never realized how much I could be renewed by God's will.

I am bitter, but I will be alive.

I am thankful of that.

When do you ever cry over a homework assignment?

1. Chinese412

2. Reading Modern Chinese Literatures

3. Day of 3/16/2010

4. 5:00PM @ Houston Hall, stuffing in a Dijon Chicken crepe

5. Reading the short story "The Wounded" by Xinhua, Lu [卢新华的《伤痕》]

6. In allegory, thinking of mom and those same 9 years...

7. I cannot help but cry, even in public

Joy

The past two weeks have been filled with struggles, bitterness, doubts, and jealousy.

I completely forgot that "He is jealous for me".

I ranted, ranted so much that I was disgusted at myself.

Thank you for those who listened anyway...whenever you need me to put you to sleep.

Finally, I sucked it up and prayed.

He answered me, and completely amazed me with love and truth.

In one of those crazy Disney songs, I remember hearing: Have you ever tasted the tears of joy?

I haven't, until yesterday. It was the sweetest tears...(well, ok, not literally).

I thought I could not repent.

He took away all my selfishness and gave me the ability to love.

God works in the most mysterious and most unpredictable ways, and I am utterly amazed.

Thank you all, my loved ones.

Thank you, my dear Heavenly Father.

You paint the morning sky

With miracles in mind

My hope will always stand

For You hold me in Your hand

What is love?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTXsFycGPIw&feature=related

时光穿不断流转在从前
Time cannot pierce through, it only flows in the past

刻骨的变迁不是遥远
Deeply ingrained changes are not distant

再有一万年深情也不变
Another ten thousand years, love remains unchanged
爱像烈火般蔓延
Love is slowly spreading like fire, seeping through

记忆是条长线盘旋在天边
Memory is like a long thread, circling the sky
沉浮中以为情深缘浅
Life's ups and downs made me think that love is deep but fate is short
你再度出现我看见誓言
You reappear, I see commitment
承诺在水天之间
and promise between the sky and water

回头看不曾走远依然目光此生不换
Looking back, I never went far, I'll never exchange the clinging gaze in this life
要分散不习惯怎么算都太难
Had to separate, cant get used to it, No matter how I add up, its just too hard
分开之后更勇敢愿这爱世代相传
I'll be stronger after we part
in hope that this love will pass on eternity

唱不完忘情泉不让你如烟
Song of love, forgetting spring never ends, not letting you become the smoke
前尘再怀恋望剑如面
Remembering our past, looking at the reflecting sword
挥舞的瞬间别再闭上眼
The moment of brandishing, dont close the eyes again
错过惊世的依恋
And miss the awe-inspiring longing

回头看不曾走远眷恋一人流连忘返
Looking back, I never went far, Yearning for one person and refusing to leave
多少汗够温暖你哭喊我呼唤
How much sweat will be warm enough, You cried out, I called out
听清耳边的呢喃别害怕风轻云淡
Deciphered the murmuring by the ear
Dont be afraid, everything shall pass

执子之手，与子偕老

(is it really just a fairytale?)

Family in real-time

I never had a family portrait taken of my real family...

but I haven taken lots of family portraits with my future family in heaven.

is it sad that way?

Called my dad yesterday...

our conversation never lasts over 10 min, although he's acceptive at least.

for that I'm relieved.

Called my aunt this morning...

we argued about passion, money, job, and ...living.

she didn't understand faith.

They used to be the closest people in my life...

now, I can't seem to receive their understandings.

Is it really because I am too young?

too full of energy and passion?

too full of ignorance and inexperience?

too full of defiance?

What is the meaning...

of a family in real-time...

if they might not be family forever?

How is it possible that way?

then, how should this love be?

Color

I am currently taking a class called "Color Theory", and for this coming weekend, I'm forced to read about "color theorists"....

Although, I have NEVER thought to find something SO exciting and...COLORFUL among scholarly works of these so called "color theorists". I mean, come on, if your research revolved around mixing paints for hours and hours and designing various color systems, wouldn't it be much better than say, cleaning test tubes for the entire Saturday morning?

Well, I do get to create one of these SUPER cool designs, but for the most part, the color will probably drive me blind. :[

THANKFULLY though, I get to do the research on one of these theorist, Albert Munsell, before I attempt to mess up my adventurous endeavor. Who would have ever thought "color" was a crucial research field, and who would have ever imagined to become famous for mixing colors?

Just so that you might still have doubts about your current field of research, how about stepping out of your field, and research about the "colors" in your life.

I promise you, it's more exciting than you can ever imagine.

Run, for He understands.

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Never Alone

12/22/2009:

I left grandpa's grave, breathing in the ashes of his leftover clothe and cane.

1/6/2010:

I left auntie in a tiny white bed in the corner of a hospital room in Shanghai, without a word of farewell.

1/12/2010:

I left grandma, looking at her weakened back through the side window of a taxi.

1/12/2010:

I left Shanghai, left China, relieved of the fear of ever experiencing godlessness.

1/22/2010:

I left Peter at 4:30am, crying, letting go of his irreplaceable presence.

4/30/1990 ~ :

The Lord never left, knocking, knocking, knocking and knocking...

So I will learn to open the door and leave you all my fears, all my loves, and all that I cannot bear.

Love you, Father.