Failures

When I think about 2011, I think about failures. It doesn't mean that failure was all that is to it, but I suppose that's something I'm struggling with right now.

I spent the first 6 months of the year lamenting over a broken relationship or multiple broken relationships, be it romantic relationships or friendship or family relationships. I thought that I had recovered, but little did I know that I was only masking everything with the small academic or career successes that had stumbled my way. Recently, I realized that I was as much a failure in my academics as in my relationships. I guess it had just gotten to a point where I cared less and less about grades or even trying to match the standards of fellow classmates or professors. The reality was that I suck. I might be good as an individual, but in comparison to people, I suck, in every aspect.

Now, here's a dilemma.
Some say, there's no need to compare with others, but only to one's own past. That's how one grows.
Some say, the reality is harsh. There will be judgement. There will be hardships. There will be consequences. Just suck it up, and hopefully something good will turn up in the future.

Really? Will there be growth? Will there be hope?
Why is it that who we are is never good enough?

"I'm glad you've found what works for you"

This is a repost from a close friend of mine back at home, and upon reading it, it dawned on me that I struggle with the same thing, and perhaps many do. Why? Why is it that as a believer of Christ Jesus, I get uncomfortable when my non-believing friends say "I'm glad you've found what works for you"? Shouldn't we be glad that we did find what works for us? Perhaps we do, but at the same time, there's something deeper, much much deeper than "what works for me". Christianity is not a religion, it is not a comfort, it is life.

From Ophelia Hu (oxhu.wordpress.com):

I renounced my atheism almost three years ago. (Happy almost-birthday to me!) When I tell this to my old friends and acquaintances, I frequently hear, “I’m glad you’ve found what works for you.” While these may be well-intentioned words, I can’t stand them.

I did not wander around in a vacuous space of spiritual limbo until I found a new hobby – something that could keep me occupied and give my days structure. No. My refusal to have faith was a faith system. Under scrutiny, that faith system crumbled, and my recognition of God’s existence was a response to that.

Faith is not a disposable t-shirt that comforts me. (There is nothing comforting about ridicule or persecution.) Nor is it a quintessential pair of jeans or little black dress – expected of me, and appropriate in social settings. (I am expected in my demographic to have no faith; and if I do, it is only socially appropriate to use it sparingly.) Rather, it is a one-size-fits-all life vest. It may not have fit around my stubborn, folded arms or around my shaking head at first, but I couldn’t just ignore it: it is critical to my survival.

God is not what “fits” me. That’s precisely what I had been seeking before I became a Christian. I sought something easy, moralistic, stylish, status-imbuing, that required no faith: a wide range of straight-up atheism to new-age hooha, paganism, universalism, and quasi-Buddhism that added up to nothing. A never-changing, never-ending God was the last thing I wanted. To be a follower of Jesus is difficult. It diminishes one’s attention on oneself and invites ridicule. It requires reliance, patience, and the strange desire to recognize and change one’s imperfect self. To be a follower of Jesus is not moralistic, since the first step to cementing my discipleship is to acknowledge my innate brokenness and the supremacy of only God to make me whole, which is a process that cannot be completed in my lifetime. To be a follower of Jesus is absolutely not stylish or status-imbuing, since the world laughs at Christians, and a vast majority of true followers of Christ are poor, persecuted, and without status in the world’s eyes. The fact that I chose and now daily choose to love and follow Jesus requires much more explanation than “I’m glad you’ve found what works for you” affords.

For a long time, I tried to understand why this response frustrates me so much. It frustrated me the very day it all clicked and I began to follow Christ, and I told my family and close friends. It frustrates me just as much today, three years later. It must be because it downplays the inherent struggle in intimating myself with God, who isn’t what I had expected or sometimes, what I can comprehend. It ignores my Jacobic wrestle with the angels. It disregards that this seemingly illogical transformation of the soul and encounter with the real, living God is possible. It is a non-confrontational, sometimes cowardly answer that dismisses the reality of my change, and its magnificent source. It blows off the empirical evidence of my transformed nature as delusion, and most importantly, it attempts to ignore that this can happen to you – to anyone.

I have already decided to follow Jesus, but every day I have a new story to tell of His loving, incredible nature. When I tell you these stories, or when the people in your life decide to choose Him, I challenge you not to feign a smile and say, “Good for you.” Dredge up those questions and doubts. Be honest. I’d love to talk to you.

Dance

I have a degenerative disc in my lower spine, not entirely serious at the moment, but it's causing me pain, chronic pain. The doctor told me to stop all physical activities except swimming and ab workouts. This translated into, no running, no badminton, no yoga, no dancing. I can take the first three, but no dancing...

Dancing has always been a passion of mine. When I dance, I forget about the world, I feel the music, I feel God. No dancing. It made me cry. Yet, this was the image I saw before going to bed last night.

He said: From that first night that you were mine, I've been holding you, I've been turning you, and I've been dancing with you, and I will always be dancing with you, my daughter and my bride. 

The Amazing Grace

11/20: Mom baptized

11/24: Brother turned 7

11/28: Dad: I'll make you your wedding dress

7 years ago, I came to know Him, the amazing Father in Heaven. 7 years have passed, I cannot help but stop and gaze at the wonderful Savior who has never stopped moving and loving.

Show & Tell

"Be bold, my child"
How...
"Stop thinking, just do it"
How...
"Stop doubting, be encouraged"
How...
"Stop hesitating, trust me"
How...
"Have faith and you shall be set free"

Road Scene [A short class assignment]

EXT. ROAD. NIGHT
A small sedan rushes through a narrow road in the woods. The street is damp and slippery from the morning snow.

INT. CAR. CONTINUOUS

LAURA (30)
Nononono, please do NOT touch that!

The drunken old man fumbles through the CD cabinet.

CARLOS (65)
Ah, give me a break. I’m old, but I know what music I like! This ain’t it. Turn off that damn Christmas
radio!

LAURA (30)
What are you...Oh God.

The old man chokes on his own words, coughing and regurgitating.

LAURA
Oh God! Are you ok? Jeez...nonono, not on that seat!

Laura eyes over at Carlos, left hand grips onto the steering wheel, right hand pats the old man’s back.

LAURA (cont’d)
God, what did I sign up for...Why did you drink so much?

The old man continuous to cough. Laura, annoyed, takes a quick look onto the road and sees a dark spot in front of her. She pulls her right hand away from Carlos and leans her body closer to the steering wheel.

LAURA (cont’d)
What is...

A pair of glowing eyes pierces back at Laura as she looks closer. She screams loudly, causing the old man to look up as well.

EXT. ROAD. SAME
We hear a loud collision from a distance and a woman’s never ending screech.

EXT. ROAD.
A young deer lies in its own blood. A car 50 feet way rests in a pool of dirty red slush.

LAURA (O.S)
Shit!!

First stab at screenwriting...:)

Int. Dining Room. Evening.

A man (40s) and a girl (16) sit across from each other by the dining room table. There are two half-filled rice bowls in front of them.

                                    Man:              
                      Eat up, Joan. We don't have much, but you'll need the
                      strength to work tomorrow.

Joan avoids the man's eyes, bows her head low, slowly picks up the rice bowl in front of her.
She waits, but does not eat.
She suddenly slams the bowl back down. The man looks startled.
Joan lifts her head, stands up, pushing her hands down on the table.

                                   Joan:
                      Where. is. my. father!

Man Silent. Joan pushes aside her chair and dashes for the door.

End.

On Steve Jobs, from Amit Malhotra

Interesting piece I picked up from Harvard Business Review

On June 12, 2005, in his commencement address to Stanford's graduating class, Steve Jobs revealed:

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: 'If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.' It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."

Obviously, the answer has changed. On August 24, 2011 Jobs woke up to a very different tune. He not only knows how to think different, but showed the courage to act different as well. He walked away from the hands-on role of CEO to settle in as Chairman of the Board at arguably the most valuable company in the world. Why?

The obvious answer is that these may well be the last years and days of Jobs' life. We, as millions of others, certainly hope with all our hearts that it's not. But if so, Jobs no doubt knew that something needed to change. Perhaps it really is time for Jobs to go home, as he put it, to a "wonderful family" and an "amazing woman" and re-reflect on a few of the provocative questions (slightly altered) that he posed to the world in his 2005 commencement address:

• Have you found "what you love" to do in life?
• Are you wasting your life "living someone else's?"
• Do you "have the courage to follow your heart and intuition?"
• Are you nurturing a "great relationship," one that "just gets better and better as the years roll on?"
• Do you tell "your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months" or days?
• Do you make "sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family" when "the single best invention of Life" takes its toll?
• Do you say "your goodbyes" before it's too late to say them?

For almost four decades Steve Jobs has certainly tried his best to "put a ding in the universe." There is little doubt that he's done just that on planet earth through Apple Inc. Now we hope that the world will give Jobs enough time and space to let him put a different ding in the most important part of his universe, relationships at home. Indeed, if he's decided that it's time to go home, not in heaven, but on earth, then we hope that he stays "hungry" and "foolish" with those he loves most. If Jobs does, let's "trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future" while he continues to live each day as if it were his last.

If you were living today as if it were your last, would you be doing what you're doing right now? If not, then what are you going to do about it?

Amit Malhotra | Vice President | Program Distribution
Disney Media Distribution | Asia Pacific19/F Shell Tower, Times Square, Causeway Bay, Hong Kong

An Ongoing Story

Maybe I was inspired by everyone's effort to write about their testimonies this Easter, or maybe I have just been hiding from God's calling to do this since last month. Nonetheless, it's about time for me to retell my story with the almighty and fatherly God. 

If you were at my Baptism two years ago, you might have heard of my testimony. The story I'm going to write is a little different (actually a lot different) from the one you have heard before. It's about how I failed to be the Christian I wanted to become two years ago, and yet God has allowed me to accept a road of change. 

So for those of you who haven't heard of my testimony before, here's a brief summary.
I grew up in an atheist family in China where work ethics and earning your worth was deeply stressed. Yet, my family failed greatly. My parents divorced because my mom was having affairs for years. She was seen as an object of shame, thrown away, and never brought up again. My dad soon remarried and moved us to the States all in less than a year. My stepmother was 23 then, too young to be a mother. All her immaturity and discomfort came upon me all through my early teens, and I fell into depression until a point where I wanted to die. But God didn't let me (or perhaps I was too scared of the life after death, or the lack thereof). Freshman year in high school, people kept on approaching me about church, this strange place where people cried about this invisible being. Yet, when I allowed this invisible being to enter my life, everything changed. He embraced me when I locked myself in bathrooms. He cried with me when I just couldn't stand being bitter anymore. And He answered my prayers. My stepmother became a loving friend, and my father became an understanding daddy, and my brother was always always the angel (until he turned 3...==). 

Yet, that perfect road to heaven didn't last very long, even after my Baptism freshman year at Penn.
Out of all the sisters in my class at the church I attend at Penn, I was perhaps the most experienced with dating relationships, and this became my biggest struggle over the past three years. My first relationship was disastrous, to say the least. My ex and I were both hiding pains and inflicting pains (physical, emotional, and spiritual) upon each other, and we walked opposing roads. He was against God. Not that he was an atheist, but that he was someone who hated God.

My second relationship didn't last very long, but it was a relationship where I felt greatly ashamed of my indecisiveness and my confusions. I didn't know what I wanted, and I certainly didn't know why I was in a relationship when God clearly told me to rely only on Him. I was an emotionally needy girl, as much as I might look tough on the outside. Yet, this had made me shameful to this day. 

My current relationship was once the object of my obsession, the object of my deep longing, the object of my pride, and the object that replaced Jesus's love. Yet, like any other object in the world that took me away from God, it failed me. I had a great boyfriend and we had great aspirations, yet it was so tough to uphold a Godly relationship while hiding it from the rest of the world. As much as we tried by ourselves to pray for each other, to read the Bible together, to bless each other with our actions, we ended up failing each other's aspirations physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There was no accountability. There were misunderstandings. There were rooms of secrets. There were small and big sins. There were shame, guilt, irresponsibilities, lack of identity, bitterness, fear, and loneliness. 

Someone once told me that the consequences of sins are not just the physical sufferings you have to endure afterwards, but also the emotional abandonment and shame that pulls you away from God. For me, this was the most painful part. I was pulled by my own sins and my own feeling of shame to a point where I felt so worthless and so dirty to accept the holy love of Jesus Christ. As much as I wanted to accept His outpouring of grace and His continuous stream of love, I didn't think I could be healed, I didn't think anyone around me understood. When I see the sisters and brothers in church whom I've always considered "holier" than me, my pain of separation grew. 

Funny enough, in the midst of it all, God called me continuously to speak out and to surrender, and I finally did. Right now, perhaps only a few have heard of the entirety of my struggles this year, but it is just the beginning of the healing process. Someone prayed for me and said that cleansing and healing are sometimes like fire burning. It's going to be painful, it's going to take a long time, and it's probably not going to be pretty for a while. Yet, in the end, there will always be restoration, renewal, and life. 

Thank you for those who have been here for me this entire year, whether you are a believer or not. I consider your presences as gifts from the loving Father, always encouraging me to move forward. 

First Love

The first time in a long time:

I crave you;
I desire you;
I need you, no one else but you;
I can give up my whole world for you;
I love you, so so so soooo much.

The magnitude of your love makes me unable to speak, unable to move, unable to breathe.
I just want to smile because I finally came back home - my peaceful, joyful, loving home.

I want a name like 离歌笑

离歌笑 ("Departing with singing and laughters")

Most of the time, we cry when we leave some place, some one, or somethings behind.
Perhaps the reason is that we will never get to see it again. However, it is well said that most of the time, it's simply because we were not able to treasure it when we used to have it. We thought that we had time to do better, but all of sudden, we need to leave it behind. 

We need not convince ourselves to stop shedding tears, but rather, to learn to love the people and things we have right now. Because if we have fully loved, we will be able to fully leave in joy, and the joy comes from the knowledge that our beloved will be moving forward to a better place, a better future.

(p.s. I'm also promoting the Chinese Drama "怪侠一枝梅")

Oasis

Sometimes you enter a situation knowing what you want, hoping that the same desire would be reciprocated.
In most cases, things don't turn out as well as you might have imagined.

I like to believe in hope, to believe in something hopeless. It doesn't matter how many times I fail, how many times I fall when I put my feet on the water. I like to always try, always wait. I like to know that I will find myself standing in the end.

I have once failed; I have once been rejected; I have once been pushed away; I have once lost hope.
Like most people, I do not have the courage and confidence to walk forward when the road ahead seems dark and purposeless. Like most people, I like to give up and I like to recoil.

In the end though, I like to believe that the Lord will send me courage, that if I believe in Him, He will bring me miracles - just like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert.

Resolving the unresolved...

2011, a new year.

Whether or not I count it as a new beginning is somewhat pointless.
It's just another year, nothing special.
Life moves forward after all, and it is not limited by the turn of years, neither the turn of centuries.

Perhaps that is why I don't see the need to set any particular "new year resolution".
If in fact, there needs to be one, it should be a daily resolution, or even a hourly, minutely resolution...if there is such a thing.

For what reasons do we even need resolutions?
To motivate us to do somethings that we have never done before?
To dare us to lose another 15 pounds perhaps?
To push us off of the career cliff and find a $50,000 job someday?
To hang us by the neck as we keep on pulling those all-nighters to get a precious A?
To skip all the shame as we cram in that 15 min prayer/QT session before bedtime?

Those were the reasons I used have for my resolutions, and I achieved nothing.
I have started to find them pointless, hopeless, and useless.

However, I am not entirely pessimistic...
If anything, I would only like to resolve the unresolved...
From the last hour, the last day, the last month, the last year, or even the last decade.
Those, I have plenty.